In the history of my blog, this is a post you saw coming from miles away, right?
I am worried. As Saturday inches closer and closer, I am worried about how I am going to deal with The Magician going back to school. The last time we did this was different: we had been dating for only a few weeks, so we never knew much other than "hey I like this person and it kind of sucks that he's moving away but if it is supposed to work out, I'm sure it will." We stumbled through long-distance communication, spending hours on the phone and sending so many text messages that I had to switch my cellphone carrier and get a phone with a QWERTY keypad just to keep up. Since he's been here with me, it's been like a walking dream - too long to feel short-term, but with the knowledge that it was going to have to end. That end is coming soon, and I am scared.
I am scared because of how I generally react to traumatic things in my life (see my life circa 2002, see also my life circa 2007) and how I can never predict when it's going to hit. Sometimes, when dealing with trauma, I floor even myself in ways that are completely unpredictable. Maybe it'll be the first time I do the laundry without him to carry it upstairs, or when I walk by a certain building he always commented on, but I do know only two things: it will be unexpected, and I will fall hard. These two things are my M.O., and it can be absolutely debilitating.
I'll do the usual, of course: prepare myself in the best ways I can, spend time with as many friends as possible, bake lots, leave notes hidden in his suitcase. Hopefully the small things I can do will get me through, because I just don't know how else to do it. But if you see me soon, be kind. I've got a tender heart just now, and I could use any propping-up that I can get.
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4 comments:
lovelovelove to you.
Hey Sweets, so can I give some advice having PTSD currently? Hehe. My acupuncturist and I talk about basically how every time before she puts the needle in my brain "feels" pain and then when she puts it in it doesn't hurt at all or way less than my thought, so how do I stop myself from feeling this pain that isn't even really going to happen? I tell myself "This might hurt, but I'll still be okay." And she tells me not to fight upcoming feelings, but to observe them and watch my self in 3rd person as the wave of emotion washes over me. Soften to it. Another image from her: I think of my self as a huge mountain and all these storms go on around me, but no storm can last forever, the all pass. Now, one last bit of advice from my other mental health helper: Watch the weather. Hope this helps. Oh and get him to move to NYC!
Jen - you have no idea how helpful that was yesterday. I was in the shower bawling my eyes out, but then remembered what you had said and thought to myself "it might hurt, but I'll be okay." 5 minutes later, I was giggling at the thought of something funny The Magician had done earlier in the week. So, I totally owe you one.
::hug::
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