An Open Letter to CVS's Generic Version of Zyrtec

Dear CVS's Generic Version of Zyrtec,

Thank you. No, seriously, thank YOU. Before consuming you yesterday, my body was an autoimmune mess and probably one more reaction away from landing itself in the emergency room. You see, my body reacts to THINGS THAT ARE NOT THERE. It is stupid and annoying and itchy. It sometimes makes my face look like someone punched me. It led my 7th-grade English and History teacher to call me a duck-billed platypus. It led me to have to re-write my 7th-grade advisory student council speech to include phrases such as "you think this is bad? You should have seen the other guy." I lost. (Side question: who seriously votes against the girl with the face that looks like someone punched her who jokes about it in her speech? Honestly. 7th graders suck.)

I thought I had outgrown it. Once a year, my face would tingle and I would say "oh HELLO autoimmune reaction for no reason, nice to see that you are still around," and then I would punch it in its face with Claritin. But then Claritin decided it was weak and no longer worked. And so, for the last month, I've been taking more and more, but the autoimmune reaction defied my Claritin-wielding and stayed.

But you, CVS's Generic Version of Zyrtec, you have transformed me. No longer am I a walking red welt, no longer do I have to avoid sleeves. Last night, I did not wake up 12 times to cry or shift or whine to The Magician. I slept soundly. Sure, my body is probably going to be fucked up for life (thanks for the disease, Dad!) and I will singlehandedly support more than one CVS store with my purchases, but whatever. Hello, I can breathe!

In conclusion, thank you, and fuck you Claritin, which never worked well enough and used to be less expensive when it was prescription-only.

Love,
Sara